00:00:00 --> 00:00:04 Today, as being already mentioned, I get to give the last sermon that will be preached from this
00:00:04 --> 00:00:10 point right here. That could actually be something that's a bit painful for you to think about. I
00:00:10 --> 00:00:16 just want to say that it's okay to find change difficult. So if you're feeling a little bit
00:00:16 --> 00:00:21 nervous about the big shift sideways, I want to say that's okay to feel like that and we love you.
00:00:22 --> 00:00:27 We're praying and hoping that the shift will be something God uses to bring more people into his
00:00:27 --> 00:00:33 kingdom, to see more people come to know the hope and love of the gospel. And so it is my prayer that
00:00:33 --> 00:00:40 God comforts you in your discomfort, but also that he uses that discomfort for a significant purpose
00:00:40 --> 00:00:45 of seeing people come to know him. But let me pray and then let's get stuck into today's message.
00:00:47 --> 00:00:52 Father God, we thank you for your word. We thank you that you're a God who speaks and we ask today
00:00:52 --> 00:00:57 that it would be your voice that we hear loudest. We ask that you would give us the wisdom that we
00:00:57 --> 00:01:03 seek, that we would live in light of who you are and particularly in the area of relationships, God,
00:01:03 --> 00:01:10 that we might honour you. Amen. When I was in youth group, which is getting further and further behind
00:01:10 --> 00:01:16 me, we used to sing a song called All Day. I'm not sure that this song would make it through the song
00:01:16 --> 00:01:21 selection process here at St Paul's and that might be a good thing. But there was one line in the song
00:01:21 --> 00:01:27 in particular that we sung, which went something like, I don't care what they say about me, it's
00:01:27 --> 00:01:33 all right. I don't care what they think about me, it's all right. They'll get it one day. Now, I think
00:01:33 --> 00:01:39 the point of the line is they'll understand one day, but there's this group of us as teenagers that
00:01:39 --> 00:01:45 would enthusiastically be singing, they're going to get it one day. You know, it's great that we're
00:01:45 --> 00:01:51 following Jesus. If they dislike us and pick on us, they're going to get theirs. Now, again, I'm not sure
00:01:51 --> 00:01:55 that's the point of the song, but sadly, there was a whole bunch of teenagers in the youth group I went
00:01:55 --> 00:02:02 to enthusiastically cheering about the judgment of God on anyone who would oppose us. Now, for the
00:02:02 --> 00:02:06 past two weeks, we've been looking at friendship, looking at what it looks like to be a wise friend.
00:02:06 --> 00:02:12 We looked even earlier on in the series at family and relationship between parents and children,
00:02:12 --> 00:02:19 between spouses. But the reality of relationships, friendship and all the other ones as well, is that
00:02:19 --> 00:02:28 they don't always work out the way that we want them to. People let us down, we get hurt, relationships
00:02:28 --> 00:02:36 get damaged. And so the question is, what do we do then? What do we do once the relationship already has
00:02:36 --> 00:02:43 issues? Now, I'm sure that you can think of a relationship in your life that is not what it once
00:02:43 --> 00:02:51 was, not what you wish it was. It could be with a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, a parent,
00:02:52 --> 00:03:01 a spouse, a friend, a neighbour. What do you do once it's damaged? When we've been hurt, how do we live
00:03:01 --> 00:03:11 well through that pain? How do we move forward? Do you ever find yourself, maybe not singing it like I did,
00:03:11 --> 00:03:21 but thinking that sentiment, they'll get it one day. Justice will be done and it will be sweet when it is.
00:03:22 --> 00:03:27 Now, I mean, we're probably a bit more subtle about those feelings and maybe we don't declare them
00:03:27 --> 00:03:34 out loud, although maybe we do. Maybe you're unashamed in your desire for revenge. I'm sorry, I mean justice.
00:03:34 --> 00:03:44 But what does wisdom say into the pain? What does wisdom say into that damaged relationship? What
00:03:44 --> 00:03:52 does it look like to move forward in a way that actually honours God? Do we cut and run? Do we walk
00:03:52 --> 00:04:01 away, cut our losses, forget about the relationship? Proverbs calls us to repair relationships.
00:04:01 --> 00:04:10 And I choose that word very carefully. Repairing as distinct from restoring. Now, restoration might
00:04:10 --> 00:04:17 be a great outcome, but it's not always going to be wise to return to the same relationship or the
00:04:17 --> 00:04:25 same person in the same way. The damage might be a good reason and might be wise to actually not pursue
00:04:25 --> 00:04:31 that relationship in the same way. Repairing could even include the possibility of ending a relationship.
00:04:31 --> 00:04:39 But I'm going to talk about that a little bit more later on. But repairing is what wisdom calls for.
00:04:40 --> 00:04:47 So how? How do you repair a damaged relationship? And I think Proverbs wants to suggest at least three
00:04:47 --> 00:04:54 steps for us. First one, we need to remove ourselves from the throne.
00:04:54 --> 00:05:02 Our hearts are incredibly well trained at self-justification. So we're pretty good at
00:05:02 --> 00:05:06 explaining our weaknesses and our failings as, you know, part of the deal. We give ourselves grace,
00:05:07 --> 00:05:13 but at the same time, we unwaveringly hold other people to a standard that we can't meet on our own.
00:05:14 --> 00:05:18 You know, when we get it wrong, it's understandable. But when they get it wrong,
00:05:18 --> 00:05:26 it's inexcusable. We're very passionate about justice, except of course, when that justice would
00:05:26 --> 00:05:31 mean that we're on the receiving end. And we see ourselves in a different category to other people.
00:05:32 --> 00:05:39 We like to place ourselves above them. And anger and hurt flow out of that sense of superiority.
00:05:39 --> 00:05:46 They come from a place where we look at the person who's hurt us and we respond with something like,
00:05:47 --> 00:05:52 I would never do that. I would never do what they did.
00:05:54 --> 00:06:00 You know, it's only actually possible to stay angry with someone as long as you think you're superior to them.
00:06:02 --> 00:06:08 It's only actually possible to stay angry as long as you see yourself as somebody who is better than them.
00:06:09 --> 00:06:14 As long as you look at them as worse, you're going to put yourself in the dangerous position
00:06:14 --> 00:06:22 of justifying your anger and even your hatred towards them as a good and right response.
00:06:23 --> 00:06:27 Now, hatred might sound a bit strong for the way that you feel, but maybe it doesn't.
00:06:27 --> 00:06:32 Maybe that's exactly how you feel. But you've got to understand when the Bible talks about hatred,
00:06:32 --> 00:06:36 what it's getting at is the sense of ill will.
00:06:36 --> 00:06:44 It's that attitude that takes a bit of delight out of them getting their just desserts.
00:06:45 --> 00:06:50 It's that attitude that takes enjoyment out of their misfortune.
00:06:50 --> 00:06:56 And it thinks, you know, whatever happens to them, whatever bad they have to deal with in life,
00:06:56 --> 00:06:57 it's probably fair enough.
00:06:59 --> 00:07:06 What we've done is we've taken an issue within a person and we've exaggerated it to make that
00:07:06 --> 00:07:08 the sum total of the person.
00:07:08 --> 00:07:14 So if they lie to you, they lied and they are a liar.
00:07:15 --> 00:07:18 But if you lie, you're complex.
00:07:19 --> 00:07:20 There's reasons.
00:07:21 --> 00:07:22 It's understandable.
00:07:23 --> 00:07:24 There's background.
00:07:24 --> 00:07:24 There's context.
00:07:26 --> 00:07:28 That's the sentiment of superiority.
00:07:28 --> 00:07:35 It's a heart that delights in and desires judgment against those who have hurt us.
00:07:36 --> 00:07:39 That says they'll get it one day.
00:07:40 --> 00:07:41 With a smile.
00:07:42 --> 00:07:46 But listen to Proverbs 24, 17.
00:07:46 --> 00:07:50 Do not gloat when your enemy falls.
00:07:50 --> 00:07:54 When they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice.
00:07:55 --> 00:08:00 Or the Lord will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from them.
00:08:01 --> 00:08:08 Our judgment of people, our sense of superiority, our refusal to give them the same grace we give ourselves
00:08:08 --> 00:08:11 could actually turn God's wrath away from people.
00:08:11 --> 00:08:12 Do you know why?
00:08:12 --> 00:08:20 Because when God looks at that situation, what we are doing, the bitterness in our own hearts,
00:08:20 --> 00:08:26 the hatred that we have towards these people is just as displeasing to God as whatever it was
00:08:26 --> 00:08:28 that was done to us in the first place.
00:08:29 --> 00:08:35 We're sitting on this throne thinking that we are somehow superior in character whilst doing
00:08:35 --> 00:08:39 something which is deeply dishonouring to God.
00:08:39 --> 00:08:48 When we sit over people, when we pass judgment on people, we don't just demote them below us,
00:08:48 --> 00:08:52 but we actually remove God from where he belongs as well.
00:08:53 --> 00:08:54 We actually demote him.
00:08:55 --> 00:08:57 The throne that we're sitting on is his throne.
00:08:59 --> 00:09:04 He's the only one who has the right to judge, and yet we have decided that we should sit there.
00:09:04 --> 00:09:09 The Bible teaches clearly in the Old and New Testament that vengeance belongs to God.
00:09:09 --> 00:09:10 It's his job.
00:09:10 --> 00:09:15 He's the only one who is pure enough and holy enough and just enough that he can sit in that seat.
00:09:17 --> 00:09:23 And as soon as you put yourself there, you take a role that you are not equipped for and you are unworthy of.
00:09:23 --> 00:09:33 If we want to repair damaged relationships, we need to begin by taking ourselves off that throne.
00:09:34 --> 00:09:42 We need to begin by resisting that natural inclination of our hearts which self-justifies and says,
00:09:42 --> 00:09:44 they're bad, I'm complicated.
00:09:44 --> 00:09:52 Secondly, we need to release people from liability.
00:09:53 --> 00:09:55 Have a look at Proverbs 24 verse 28.
00:09:56 --> 00:10:00 Do not testify against your neighbour without cause.
00:10:00 --> 00:10:02 Would you use your lips to mislead?
00:10:02 --> 00:10:05 Do not say, I'll do to them as they have done to me.
00:10:05 --> 00:10:07 I'll pay them back for what they did.
00:10:07 --> 00:10:16 See, the natural outworking of sitting on the throne in a position of superiority is to demand payment, is to exact revenge.
00:10:16 --> 00:10:20 It bears fruit in this sense that we feel entitled.
00:10:22 --> 00:10:24 We feel entitled to justice.
00:10:25 --> 00:10:26 We feel entitled to revenge.
00:10:26 --> 00:10:35 Payback in our culture, in our hearts, is seen as something that is honourable.
00:10:35 --> 00:10:38 Not just valid, but desirable.
00:10:38 --> 00:10:46 When we are wronged, when those we care about are wronged, the immediate inclination of our heart is that whoever has wronged them gets what they deserve.
00:10:46 --> 00:10:50 That's our starting point because we are sitting from a place where we're above them.
00:10:52 --> 00:10:53 Where their failing is all of them.
00:10:54 --> 00:10:55 Our failings is just a small part of us.
00:10:58 --> 00:10:59 But Proverbs says no.
00:10:59 --> 00:11:03 Proverbs 17.9 says,
00:11:03 --> 00:11:14 See, sometimes we mask our desire for revenge.
00:11:14 --> 00:11:18 We get a bit savvy and subtle with it in the form of holding a grudge.
00:11:19 --> 00:11:22 So face to face, we feign forgiveness.
00:11:22 --> 00:11:27 We superficially act like everything is okay, like there's no issue.
00:11:27 --> 00:11:29 But deep down, we're still very angry.
00:11:30 --> 00:11:31 Still very bitter.
00:11:33 --> 00:11:35 And so we keep reminding everybody else what happened.
00:11:36 --> 00:11:38 Face to face, it doesn't come up.
00:11:38 --> 00:11:39 We don't talk about that issue.
00:11:40 --> 00:11:41 But we slander.
00:11:41 --> 00:11:42 We gossip.
00:11:42 --> 00:11:44 So that even though we haven't confronted them,
00:11:44 --> 00:11:49 we make sure they pay what they owe in the form of character assassinating them.
00:11:50 --> 00:11:54 In the form of making everybody else know just how bad they are.
00:11:57 --> 00:12:02 Wisdom repairs relationships by releasing people from liability.
00:12:03 --> 00:12:05 By not demanding payment.
00:12:05 --> 00:12:08 It causes us to actually cover an offence.
00:12:08 --> 00:12:10 It repeats it in Proverbs 19.11.
00:12:11 --> 00:12:13 A person's wisdom yields patience.
00:12:13 --> 00:12:17 It is to one's glory to overlook an offence.
00:12:18 --> 00:12:21 Now, we need to be really clear here.
00:12:22 --> 00:12:25 What do we mean when we say cover an offence?
00:12:26 --> 00:12:29 That's not the same as ignoring an offence
00:12:29 --> 00:12:31 or pretending an offence didn't happen.
00:12:31 --> 00:12:35 It's not playing down an offence as if somehow it's less painful.
00:12:36 --> 00:12:37 Pain is real.
00:12:38 --> 00:12:40 Where there is an offence, there is hurt.
00:12:41 --> 00:12:42 There is damage.
00:12:43 --> 00:12:45 There is emotional and relational debt.
00:12:45 --> 00:12:49 And if you release somebody from having to pay that debt,
00:12:49 --> 00:12:51 then it goes somewhere.
00:12:52 --> 00:12:54 It doesn't just evaporate.
00:12:55 --> 00:12:57 Somebody has to pay the debt.
00:12:57 --> 00:13:02 And the call in these verses is for us to pay it.
00:13:02 --> 00:13:07 The idea of covering an offence is not like hiding it.
00:13:07 --> 00:13:12 It's like that sense of you're in a restaurant with a bunch of friends and a bill arrives.
00:13:12 --> 00:13:15 And everybody owes a piece of this bill.
00:13:16 --> 00:13:19 But you put your hand up and insist, no, no, no, I'll cover this.
00:13:19 --> 00:13:21 It's that sense of covering.
00:13:21 --> 00:13:22 I will own this debt.
00:13:22 --> 00:13:24 I will deal with this debt.
00:13:24 --> 00:13:24 I will take it.
00:13:24 --> 00:13:27 Even though it's not mine, I will choose to bear it.
00:13:29 --> 00:13:31 That's what it means when it says cover an offence.
00:13:32 --> 00:13:38 It means you choose to wear the cost in a way that releases the other people.
00:13:38 --> 00:13:43 Now, if you say at the table, I'll cover it and then send out emails the next morning
00:13:43 --> 00:13:46 with itemised bills and interest accounts for how much people owe you,
00:13:46 --> 00:13:47 you haven't covered it.
00:13:49 --> 00:13:55 To cover an offence is to actually take the debt, own it, deal with it, pay with it, and move on.
00:13:56 --> 00:13:57 It's gone.
00:13:57 --> 00:13:57 It's done.
00:13:57 --> 00:14:02 To cover an offence is to release a person from what they owe you.
00:14:03 --> 00:14:04 They might owe you an apology.
00:14:06 --> 00:14:10 They might owe you some change in character, some change in behaviour.
00:14:11 --> 00:14:20 Whatever it is, repairing the relationship is only possible when you make the wise decision
00:14:20 --> 00:14:22 about what you can control.
00:14:22 --> 00:14:27 And the only thing you control in a damaged relationship is this.
00:14:29 --> 00:14:31 Do I demand revenge?
00:14:32 --> 00:14:35 Or do I make the choice to release them from what they owe?
00:14:39 --> 00:14:43 I wanted to share with you briefly about my own relationship with my dad.
00:14:44 --> 00:14:46 Now, I want to do this gently.
00:14:46 --> 00:14:48 I don't want to dishonour my dad.
00:14:48 --> 00:14:51 I have shared stories from my childhood before,
00:14:51 --> 00:14:55 and many of you will know that my family relationships generally are somewhat damaged,
00:14:55 --> 00:14:59 but probably most specifically with my dad, since I was about 14.
00:15:00 --> 00:15:03 There's been points over the journey of my life where I've thought,
00:15:03 --> 00:15:04 I'm going to fix this.
00:15:05 --> 00:15:06 I'm going to repair this.
00:15:08 --> 00:15:11 We've had some fairly pointed conversations, my dad and I,
00:15:12 --> 00:15:17 but for the most part, it's still a damaged relationship.
00:15:17 --> 00:15:23 As I started repairing this week, it was the first relationship that popped into my head.
00:15:25 --> 00:15:29 And as I reflected on particularly these first two things,
00:15:29 --> 00:15:31 I began to get a bit of a picture of why.
00:15:33 --> 00:15:35 And unsurprisingly, the issue wasn't in my dad, it was in me.
00:15:35 --> 00:15:42 I still feel that there are things that my dad has done to me that hurt me.
00:15:42 --> 00:15:43 That hasn't changed.
00:15:44 --> 00:15:46 There is still some feelings that I'm processing.
00:15:47 --> 00:15:48 I've been sitting in this for six days,
00:15:49 --> 00:15:51 but I feel like this will be a journey for longer than that.
00:15:52 --> 00:15:56 But the issue has been that I have had an expectation of my dad.
00:15:56 --> 00:16:00 I think I've even said out loud, I would never do what he did.
00:16:02 --> 00:16:05 And every time I've sat down with him to have a conversation,
00:16:05 --> 00:16:08 I've had an expectation of what he needed to do
00:16:08 --> 00:16:11 for me to be able to walk away and say, this is fixed.
00:16:13 --> 00:16:16 An apology, an ownership of fault,
00:16:18 --> 00:16:22 some acknowledgement of the pain that other people have had to deal with that he hasn't.
00:16:22 --> 00:16:26 But as I was reflecting,
00:16:27 --> 00:16:33 I realised that nothing was fixed despite the many conversations that we've had.
00:16:35 --> 00:16:38 Because reality is I was still sitting on a throne over him.
00:16:39 --> 00:16:42 I was still passing judgement on him and I still felt like he owed me.
00:16:47 --> 00:16:51 Now you've got to understand that releasing somebody from what they owe you,
00:16:51 --> 00:16:54 especially when we're talking about a relational hurt,
00:16:55 --> 00:16:56 is not going to be easy.
00:16:57 --> 00:17:00 This is not two boxes you're going to tick off on the way home
00:17:00 --> 00:17:01 in a quick conversation this afternoon.
00:17:03 --> 00:17:05 You can wallpaper over it with superficial niceness.
00:17:05 --> 00:17:07 That's what my family does.
00:17:07 --> 00:17:09 We're all going to be together for Christmas
00:17:09 --> 00:17:12 and nobody will talk about anything substantial.
00:17:13 --> 00:17:14 It'll still be okay.
00:17:15 --> 00:17:16 We'll talk about things.
00:17:16 --> 00:17:17 We'll talk about football.
00:17:17 --> 00:17:19 We'll talk about what's happening with the kids.
00:17:19 --> 00:17:21 But it will be superficial.
00:17:22 --> 00:17:24 And then in private, in the little one-on-one conversations,
00:17:24 --> 00:17:28 the factions in our family will have conversations about what we really think.
00:17:31 --> 00:17:32 That's not releasing anyone.
00:17:35 --> 00:17:37 To release them would be to let it go.
00:17:38 --> 00:17:39 To stop talking about it.
00:17:40 --> 00:17:41 To stop repeating it.
00:17:41 --> 00:17:42 To let go of my right,
00:17:43 --> 00:17:45 my entitlement to pay back.
00:17:45 --> 00:17:48 It's not easy.
00:17:50 --> 00:17:51 But it's wisdom.
00:17:53 --> 00:17:56 And it's the path to repairing the relationship.
00:17:57 --> 00:17:58 And it's what's best for you.
00:17:59 --> 00:18:00 It's what's best for me.
00:18:01 --> 00:18:03 If you keep carrying some need in you,
00:18:03 --> 00:18:06 something that you require from this person who has hurt you,
00:18:06 --> 00:18:11 then most of the damage is going to be in you.
00:18:15 --> 00:18:17 Most of the consequence will be internal.
00:18:19 --> 00:18:22 Now, I'm going to make a generalisation based on my own heart
00:18:22 --> 00:18:23 and my own experience,
00:18:23 --> 00:18:25 and you can decide how well this fits you.
00:18:25 --> 00:18:31 I think that many of us see as the best case scenario
00:18:31 --> 00:18:33 when there's a damaged relationship,
00:18:33 --> 00:18:35 where there's substantial hurt,
00:18:35 --> 00:18:38 the best case scenario is to walk away and end the relationship.
00:18:40 --> 00:18:41 Cut and run.
00:18:42 --> 00:18:44 We minimise the hurt with phrases like,
00:18:45 --> 00:18:47 I don't care about them anymore, it's a non-issue.
00:18:47 --> 00:18:53 But we need to be mindful that when we do that,
00:18:53 --> 00:18:56 often the relationship has continued.
00:18:57 --> 00:18:59 It's just doing us damage beneath the surface now.
00:19:01 --> 00:19:03 We're pretending it's not,
00:19:03 --> 00:19:05 but the pain and hurt is still there.
00:19:06 --> 00:19:09 Now, I put end the relationship in inverted commas,
00:19:09 --> 00:19:12 because so long as you're carrying hurt,
00:19:13 --> 00:19:14 as long as you're carrying anger and bitterness,
00:19:14 --> 00:19:17 you're still carrying the relationship.
00:19:18 --> 00:19:20 And so not only have you not repaired the damage,
00:19:20 --> 00:19:23 what you've done now is camouflaged what's causing damage
00:19:23 --> 00:19:25 so that it's going to be even more difficult
00:19:25 --> 00:19:27 for you to deal with later in life.
00:19:28 --> 00:19:30 You've said it's not an issue you've moved on,
00:19:30 --> 00:19:32 but your heart is still being impacted
00:19:32 --> 00:19:34 by that person and what they did to you.
00:19:37 --> 00:19:39 If you find yourself still talking about
00:19:39 --> 00:19:40 what someone did to you,
00:19:40 --> 00:19:42 still angry about it,
00:19:42 --> 00:19:44 still secretly delighting in their misfortune,
00:19:44 --> 00:19:47 then it hasn't ended for you.
00:19:49 --> 00:19:50 It's still there.
00:19:53 --> 00:19:54 And it still needs to be repaired.
00:19:56 --> 00:19:58 Now, it might need to be repaired
00:19:58 --> 00:20:00 so that you can fully and finally end it.
00:20:01 --> 00:20:02 This is what I was talking about at the beginning.
00:20:03 --> 00:20:05 It might need to be repaired
00:20:05 --> 00:20:08 so that you can draw a line and walk away.
00:20:08 --> 00:20:11 But until it's repaired,
00:20:11 --> 00:20:13 it won't end.
00:20:14 --> 00:20:16 It'll still be a source of pain and damage for you.
00:20:17 --> 00:20:18 Now, I just want to make it clear
00:20:18 --> 00:20:20 that this doesn't necessarily mean
00:20:20 --> 00:20:22 you need to have a face-to-face conversation
00:20:22 --> 00:20:23 with everybody who's ever hurt you.
00:20:24 --> 00:20:26 I don't know if you've noticed,
00:20:26 --> 00:20:28 but so far the two steps that Proverbs has given us
00:20:28 --> 00:20:30 don't require you to converse with anyone
00:20:30 --> 00:20:32 except for God.
00:20:34 --> 00:20:36 You need to remove yourself from the throne.
00:20:36 --> 00:20:38 It's not impacting them.
00:20:38 --> 00:20:39 And you need to release them from liability.
00:20:40 --> 00:20:42 They might not think they owe you anything,
00:20:42 --> 00:20:44 so that releasing is going to be something
00:20:44 --> 00:20:45 that you do internally.
00:20:45 --> 00:20:50 But Proverbs pushes us one step further.
00:20:53 --> 00:20:54 To repair relationships,
00:20:55 --> 00:20:57 you've got to remove yourself from the throne.
00:20:57 --> 00:20:58 You've got to release them from liability.
00:20:59 --> 00:20:59 And lastly,
00:21:00 --> 00:21:03 you need to overcome evil with good.
00:21:05 --> 00:21:07 Proverbs 25, 21 says,
00:21:07 --> 00:21:10 If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat.
00:21:10 --> 00:21:13 If he is thirsty, give him water to drink.
00:21:13 --> 00:21:16 In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head
00:21:16 --> 00:21:18 and the Lord will reward you.
00:21:19 --> 00:21:22 See, wisdom is calling us to shift drastically
00:21:22 --> 00:21:25 the way that we view these people that have hurt us.
00:21:25 --> 00:21:29 We need to look at them as someone to be loved,
00:21:29 --> 00:21:32 not someone who owes us.
00:21:32 --> 00:21:35 That's why we need to first remove ourselves
00:21:35 --> 00:21:36 from the judgment seat,
00:21:36 --> 00:21:37 because when we're looking down,
00:21:37 --> 00:21:39 love will not be the first emotion.
00:21:40 --> 00:21:42 So that we stop looking at ourselves
00:21:42 --> 00:21:44 from this false position of superiority,
00:21:44 --> 00:21:48 and then we can begin to see them as just like us,
00:21:49 --> 00:21:51 created by God,
00:21:52 --> 00:21:53 in need of grace,
00:21:54 --> 00:21:56 as part of the command that God has given us
00:21:56 --> 00:21:57 to love our enemies,
00:21:57 --> 00:21:58 to love our neighbours.
00:22:00 --> 00:22:02 If we want to repair relationships,
00:22:02 --> 00:22:03 we need to cross over from
00:22:03 --> 00:22:05 you owe me
00:22:05 --> 00:22:08 to I want to serve you.
00:22:11 --> 00:22:13 From delighting in their misfortune,
00:22:14 --> 00:22:16 delighting in the negativity in their life,
00:22:16 --> 00:22:18 to actually desiring their good.
00:22:20 --> 00:22:20 Say that again.
00:22:21 --> 00:22:22 Understand how drastic that is.
00:22:23 --> 00:22:27 To go from delighting in their pain and misfortune
00:22:27 --> 00:22:31 to desiring their good.
00:22:32 --> 00:22:34 Now I think most of us would look at that
00:22:34 --> 00:22:35 and write that off.
00:22:35 --> 00:22:36 We were aiming for the middle,
00:22:36 --> 00:22:38 where at least we stop delighting
00:22:38 --> 00:22:39 and just don't care.
00:22:41 --> 00:22:43 But that's not what wisdom calls for.
00:22:46 --> 00:22:46 It says,
00:22:46 --> 00:22:47 if your enemy is hungry,
00:22:48 --> 00:22:48 give him food.
00:22:48 --> 00:22:49 If he's thirsty,
00:22:49 --> 00:22:50 give him drink.
00:22:52 --> 00:22:53 Love them.
00:22:53 --> 00:22:58 Paul quotes this part of Proverbs in Romans 12,
00:22:58 --> 00:22:59 which Deb read out for us,
00:22:59 --> 00:23:00 where he says,
00:23:00 --> 00:23:03 do not repay anyone evil for evil.
00:23:03 --> 00:23:05 Be careful to do what is right
00:23:05 --> 00:23:06 in the eyes of everyone.
00:23:06 --> 00:23:07 If it is possible,
00:23:07 --> 00:23:09 as far as it depends on you,
00:23:09 --> 00:23:10 live at peace with everyone.
00:23:11 --> 00:23:13 Do not take revenge,
00:23:13 --> 00:23:14 my dear friends,
00:23:14 --> 00:23:16 but leave room for God's wrath,
00:23:16 --> 00:23:17 for it is written,
00:23:17 --> 00:23:19 it is mine to avenge.
00:23:19 --> 00:23:20 I will repay,
00:23:20 --> 00:23:20 says the Lord.
00:23:21 --> 00:23:22 On the contrary,
00:23:22 --> 00:23:24 if your enemy is hungry,
00:23:24 --> 00:23:25 feed him.
00:23:25 --> 00:23:26 If he is thirsty,
00:23:26 --> 00:23:27 give him something to drink.
00:23:28 --> 00:23:28 In doing this,
00:23:28 --> 00:23:30 you will heap burning coals on his head.
00:23:32 --> 00:23:34 Do not be overcome by evil,
00:23:34 --> 00:23:36 but overcome evil with good.
00:23:38 --> 00:23:40 Love people who don't deserve it.
00:23:42 --> 00:23:44 Do good to those who do evil to you.
00:23:46 --> 00:23:47 Overcome evil with good.
00:23:47 --> 00:23:52 Now,
00:23:52 --> 00:23:54 one little side note on confrontation.
00:23:55 --> 00:23:57 Look at verse 18 with me a little bit closer.
00:23:59 --> 00:24:00 If it is possible,
00:24:01 --> 00:24:03 as far as it depends on you.
00:24:05 --> 00:24:07 If it is possible,
00:24:07 --> 00:24:08 as far as it depends on you.
00:24:08 --> 00:24:09 Two things.
00:24:09 --> 00:24:10 Firstly,
00:24:10 --> 00:24:13 sometimes confronting someone who's wronged you
00:24:13 --> 00:24:14 is good and right.
00:24:15 --> 00:24:17 Proverbs actually explicitly says that.
00:24:17 --> 00:24:18 In Proverbs 27,
00:24:18 --> 00:24:19 we looked at it a few weeks ago.
00:24:19 --> 00:24:21 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
00:24:22 --> 00:24:23 Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
00:24:24 --> 00:24:25 but an enemy multiplies kisses.
00:24:26 --> 00:24:26 But now,
00:24:26 --> 00:24:27 it's important to see
00:24:27 --> 00:24:30 that confrontation,
00:24:30 --> 00:24:31 if it's necessary,
00:24:31 --> 00:24:33 and it won't always be.
00:24:34 --> 00:24:36 There are some things that you can just let go of
00:24:36 --> 00:24:36 and move on.
00:24:37 --> 00:24:39 But if it's necessary,
00:24:39 --> 00:24:42 it needs to flow out of those first two steps.
00:24:44 --> 00:24:46 If we confront people with a prescribed,
00:24:46 --> 00:24:47 here's what you must do,
00:24:49 --> 00:24:51 then we're still sitting on the throne.
00:24:52 --> 00:24:56 And if it's even slightly motivated by a desire
00:24:56 --> 00:24:58 to pay them back for what they did to us,
00:24:58 --> 00:25:00 then it's not motivated by love.
00:25:00 --> 00:25:02 Now,
00:25:03 --> 00:25:05 that confrontation might have an outcome,
00:25:05 --> 00:25:06 but it won't be a repaired relationship.
00:25:08 --> 00:25:09 Even if they apologise,
00:25:10 --> 00:25:11 even if they adjust their behaviour,
00:25:11 --> 00:25:12 in the process,
00:25:12 --> 00:25:14 you've actually damaged yourself.
00:25:15 --> 00:25:16 Because what you've done is
00:25:16 --> 00:25:18 you've affirmed your place as judge
00:25:18 --> 00:25:19 in the relationship.
00:25:20 --> 00:25:22 You've affirmed your position
00:25:22 --> 00:25:23 as the one who is superior.
00:25:23 --> 00:25:25 You've exacted what was owed to you
00:25:25 --> 00:25:27 because you were entitled to it,
00:25:27 --> 00:25:28 and you've lost sight of the fact
00:25:28 --> 00:25:30 that you were both accountable to Jesus.
00:25:33 --> 00:25:35 And the second thing on confrontation is
00:25:35 --> 00:25:38 you can't control other people.
00:25:40 --> 00:25:41 Did you catch that in verse 18?
00:25:43 --> 00:25:44 If it's possible.
00:25:45 --> 00:25:47 As far as it depends on you,
00:25:47 --> 00:25:49 you actually can't control other people.
00:25:49 --> 00:25:50 Some people aren't going to ask
00:25:50 --> 00:25:51 for a fixed relationship.
00:25:52 --> 00:25:53 Some people don't think they need
00:25:53 --> 00:25:55 a fixed relationship.
00:25:55 --> 00:25:57 Let alone your forgiveness.
00:25:58 --> 00:26:00 And so even if you were to confront them,
00:26:00 --> 00:26:01 they might disagree.
00:26:01 --> 00:26:03 They might see things differently.
00:26:03 --> 00:26:05 You may make no ground
00:26:05 --> 00:26:07 and you don't have the power to change that.
00:26:10 --> 00:26:12 What you do have power over
00:26:12 --> 00:26:15 is how you feel about them.
00:26:17 --> 00:26:19 The one choice that you get
00:26:19 --> 00:26:20 is to decide whether or not
00:26:20 --> 00:26:22 you will cover the offence,
00:26:22 --> 00:26:23 bear the cost,
00:26:23 --> 00:26:25 or hold a grudge
00:26:25 --> 00:26:27 and wear the consequences.
00:26:28 --> 00:26:29 And those consequences
00:26:29 --> 00:26:30 aren't just for them.
00:26:31 --> 00:26:32 They're for you as well.
00:26:36 --> 00:26:37 Relationships can be repaired
00:26:37 --> 00:26:39 if we are willing to remove ourselves
00:26:39 --> 00:26:40 from the throne,
00:26:41 --> 00:26:43 release people from liability
00:26:43 --> 00:26:45 and overcome evil with good.
00:26:46 --> 00:26:47 Simple, right?
00:26:49 --> 00:26:50 Not even close.
00:26:50 --> 00:26:54 Like I said,
00:26:54 --> 00:26:56 I'm six days into processing this
00:26:56 --> 00:26:57 with my dad,
00:26:57 --> 00:26:58 which, if I'm honest,
00:26:58 --> 00:26:59 is a relationship
00:26:59 --> 00:27:00 that I would have said
00:27:00 --> 00:27:01 was repaired
00:27:01 --> 00:27:03 because we'd had the confrontation.
00:27:04 --> 00:27:05 This helps me intellectually
00:27:05 --> 00:27:07 know how it's supposed to work.
00:27:09 --> 00:27:09 It helps me know
00:27:09 --> 00:27:11 the steps I'm supposed to take,
00:27:12 --> 00:27:14 but it doesn't change how I feel
00:27:14 --> 00:27:15 because of what was done to me.
00:27:15 --> 00:27:18 It doesn't minimize the hurt.
00:27:21 --> 00:27:22 I mean, the kind of forgiveness
00:27:22 --> 00:27:23 that we're talking about here
00:27:23 --> 00:27:25 isn't just an intellectual decision.
00:27:26 --> 00:27:27 It's not just a choice,
00:27:27 --> 00:27:28 I'll bear the cost
00:27:28 --> 00:27:30 or I'll bear a grudge.
00:27:32 --> 00:27:33 There actually needs to be
00:27:33 --> 00:27:35 a move in our heart
00:27:35 --> 00:27:37 to shift us from anger
00:27:37 --> 00:27:38 and bitterness
00:27:38 --> 00:27:39 towards forgiveness and grace.
00:27:39 --> 00:27:40 There needs to be a shift
00:27:40 --> 00:27:41 in our heart,
00:27:41 --> 00:27:42 but how do you do that?
00:27:42 --> 00:27:46 Well, look to wisdom.
00:27:48 --> 00:27:50 God alone has the right to judge.
00:27:51 --> 00:27:52 Vengeance is his
00:27:52 --> 00:27:53 and he will give it.
00:27:54 --> 00:27:55 It is his justice.
00:27:57 --> 00:27:58 In his perfection,
00:27:59 --> 00:28:01 he will crush sins and rebellion.
00:28:06 --> 00:28:07 But instead of crushing
00:28:07 --> 00:28:09 those who have opposed him,
00:28:09 --> 00:28:13 he chose to bear the cost.
00:28:14 --> 00:28:17 He chose to take vengeance.
00:28:17 --> 00:28:18 Vengeance that was his to give,
00:28:18 --> 00:28:20 he chose to wear on himself.
00:28:22 --> 00:28:24 Isaiah 53 says it incredibly.
00:28:24 --> 00:28:24 He says,
00:28:25 --> 00:28:25 surely,
00:28:25 --> 00:28:26 just talking about Jesus,
00:28:26 --> 00:28:28 surely he took up our pain
00:28:28 --> 00:28:30 and bore our suffering.
00:28:30 --> 00:28:32 Yet we considered him punished by God,
00:28:33 --> 00:28:34 stricken by him and afflicted.
00:28:34 --> 00:28:37 He was pierced for our transgressions.
00:28:37 --> 00:28:39 He was crushed for our iniquities.
00:28:40 --> 00:28:41 The punishment that brought us peace
00:28:41 --> 00:28:43 was on him
00:28:43 --> 00:28:45 and by his wounds we are healed.
00:28:46 --> 00:28:48 We all like sheep have gone astray.
00:28:48 --> 00:28:50 Each of us has turned to our own way
00:28:50 --> 00:28:52 and the Lord has laid on him
00:28:52 --> 00:28:54 the iniquity of us all.
00:28:57 --> 00:28:58 In the cross,
00:28:58 --> 00:29:00 vengeance is poured out on Jesus
00:29:00 --> 00:29:02 for our sin,
00:29:02 --> 00:29:04 for our iniquity.
00:29:04 --> 00:29:06 It's our punishment that he takes.
00:29:06 --> 00:29:09 Vengeance is God's to give.
00:29:11 --> 00:29:12 And yet for us,
00:29:12 --> 00:29:13 he takes it
00:29:13 --> 00:29:15 on himself.
00:29:17 --> 00:29:19 He covers the offense.
00:29:20 --> 00:29:21 He bears the weight
00:29:21 --> 00:29:23 and he offers forgiveness
00:29:23 --> 00:29:24 to you for free.
00:29:26 --> 00:29:27 Free to you,
00:29:28 --> 00:29:30 but at the highest cost to him.
00:29:30 --> 00:29:34 When you look at the cross,
00:29:35 --> 00:29:37 when you look at what Jesus
00:29:37 --> 00:29:38 has done for you,
00:29:38 --> 00:29:40 it is hard to stand over others
00:29:40 --> 00:29:42 as if somehow they are inferior.
00:29:44 --> 00:29:46 As if somehow you are entitled.
00:29:47 --> 00:29:49 In light of the incredible forgiveness
00:29:49 --> 00:29:50 that was purchased
00:29:50 --> 00:29:52 with the blood of Jesus,
00:29:52 --> 00:29:56 our hearts are not only grateful,
00:29:57 --> 00:29:59 but they can also begin
00:29:59 --> 00:30:00 to be grace giving.
00:30:04 --> 00:30:05 When you weigh
00:30:05 --> 00:30:06 what it's going to cost you
00:30:06 --> 00:30:07 to forgive someone,
00:30:08 --> 00:30:09 when you weigh
00:30:09 --> 00:30:10 the difficulty
00:30:10 --> 00:30:11 that will be there
00:30:11 --> 00:30:12 trying to repair a relationship
00:30:12 --> 00:30:13 and it will be difficult
00:30:13 --> 00:30:14 and it will be costly,
00:30:14 --> 00:30:15 when you weigh that
00:30:15 --> 00:30:16 in light of what God
00:30:16 --> 00:30:17 has done for you,
00:30:17 --> 00:30:19 what seems impossible
00:30:19 --> 00:30:22 begins to be possible.
00:30:24 --> 00:30:25 The cross humbles us,
00:30:26 --> 00:30:28 but at the same time
00:30:28 --> 00:30:30 gives us a deep security
00:30:30 --> 00:30:31 and peace
00:30:31 --> 00:30:33 because in Jesus
00:30:33 --> 00:30:34 we're loved
00:30:34 --> 00:30:35 even though we don't deserve it.
00:30:37 --> 00:30:38 The superiority
00:30:38 --> 00:30:39 we have towards people
00:30:39 --> 00:30:40 is a heart issue.
00:30:42 --> 00:30:43 The liability
00:30:43 --> 00:30:45 that we hold people to
00:30:45 --> 00:30:46 is a heart issue.
00:30:46 --> 00:30:47 The love that we're called to
00:30:47 --> 00:30:49 is a heart issue.
00:30:49 --> 00:30:51 And the only thing
00:30:51 --> 00:30:52 that could possibly
00:30:52 --> 00:30:53 shift a heart
00:30:53 --> 00:30:56 is God's love for you
00:30:56 --> 00:30:58 shown in Jesus.
00:31:00 --> 00:31:01 How do you repair
00:31:01 --> 00:31:02 your damaged relationship?
00:31:04 --> 00:31:06 You remove yourself
00:31:06 --> 00:31:07 from the throne.
00:31:08 --> 00:31:09 You release them
00:31:09 --> 00:31:10 from the liability.
00:31:12 --> 00:31:14 You overcome evil with good
00:31:14 --> 00:31:16 and that is only possible
00:31:16 --> 00:31:18 in light of God's grace
00:31:18 --> 00:31:19 to us in Jesus.
00:31:22 --> 00:31:23 Let's pray.
00:31:30 --> 00:31:31 Father God,
00:31:31 --> 00:31:32 we want to bring before you
00:31:32 --> 00:31:34 relationships in our life
00:31:34 --> 00:31:35 that right now are damaged.
00:31:35 --> 00:31:39 we want to acknowledge
00:31:39 --> 00:31:41 that we have contributed
00:31:41 --> 00:31:42 to that damage.
00:31:44 --> 00:31:46 We want to acknowledge
00:31:46 --> 00:31:47 that the inclination
00:31:47 --> 00:31:47 of our heart
00:31:47 --> 00:31:49 is to justify ourselves
00:31:49 --> 00:31:50 and condemn others.
00:31:50 --> 00:31:51 But God,
00:31:51 --> 00:31:52 we want to ask
00:31:52 --> 00:31:53 that you would give us
00:31:53 --> 00:31:54 eyes to recognize
00:31:54 --> 00:31:55 your grace to us.
00:31:56 --> 00:31:57 We want to ask
00:31:57 --> 00:31:58 that you would enable us
00:31:58 --> 00:31:59 to see people
00:31:59 --> 00:32:00 in light of the love
00:32:00 --> 00:32:01 that you have shown to us.
00:32:01 --> 00:32:04 to see ourselves right
00:32:04 --> 00:32:05 as desperately in need
00:32:05 --> 00:32:06 of your forgiveness.
00:32:09 --> 00:32:09 Father,
00:32:09 --> 00:32:10 we want to ask
00:32:10 --> 00:32:11 that you would enable us
00:32:11 --> 00:32:12 to show the grace
00:32:12 --> 00:32:13 that we have been shown.
00:32:14 --> 00:32:15 That you would shift
00:32:15 --> 00:32:16 our hearts,
00:32:16 --> 00:32:17 give us such security
00:32:17 --> 00:32:18 in your love for us
00:32:18 --> 00:32:19 that we are able to love
00:32:19 --> 00:32:21 and desire the good
00:32:21 --> 00:32:22 of those who have hurt us.
00:32:23 --> 00:32:24 Those who don't deserve it.
00:32:24 --> 00:32:27 Father,
00:32:27 --> 00:32:28 we want to ask
00:32:28 --> 00:32:28 that you would
00:32:28 --> 00:32:30 repair relationships
00:32:30 --> 00:32:33 so that people may see
00:32:33 --> 00:32:33 in the way
00:32:33 --> 00:32:34 that we love
00:32:34 --> 00:32:35 and forgive one another
00:32:35 --> 00:32:36 and those around us
00:32:36 --> 00:32:39 just a hint
00:32:39 --> 00:32:41 of the incredible love
00:32:41 --> 00:32:42 and forgiveness
00:32:42 --> 00:32:43 that you show us.
00:32:44 --> 00:32:44 Father,
00:32:44 --> 00:32:45 we thank you for Jesus.
00:32:46 --> 00:32:48 We thank you for loving us
00:32:48 --> 00:32:49 even though we don't deserve it.
00:32:50 --> 00:32:51 We thank you for loving us
00:32:51 --> 00:32:53 in spite of our weakness
00:32:53 --> 00:32:54 and failure.
00:32:54 --> 00:32:55 We thank you for loving us
00:32:55 --> 00:32:56 at our worst
00:32:56 --> 00:32:57 and giving us the deep confidence
00:32:57 --> 00:32:59 that you will always love us.
00:33:00 --> 00:33:00 Father,
00:33:01 --> 00:33:02 please consume us
00:33:02 --> 00:33:04 with a gratitude
00:33:04 --> 00:33:05 for all that you have done,
00:33:06 --> 00:33:08 with the security
00:33:08 --> 00:33:09 that comes from your love
00:33:09 --> 00:33:11 that we might be
00:33:11 --> 00:33:12 messengers of grace
00:33:12 --> 00:33:12 in the world
00:33:12 --> 00:33:13 that you have placed us in.
00:33:14 --> 00:33:15 Amen.